Through the Eyes of a Prodigal.

The parable of the Prodigal Son is my all time, very favorite, scripture narrative to study, teach on, and to bear testimony of. This story is so tender to me because it runs through my veins. Not only do I recognize and appreciate the message of hope and deliverance that it offers, but I stand as a witness of its actuality; for I, myself, am a prodigal daughter.

Throughout the past six months my current calling in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has provided me the opportunity to be apart of a few different ward councils. These environments and experiences have been eye-opening, and testimony-developing for me. To sense the amount of pure love that is discussed and organized within those meetings has impacted my understanding of the truthfulness that this is Jesus Christ’s work upon the earth. Not that I had doubted that prior to my call, but I know that now I can bear witness of my personal knowledge of this truth.

In the last gathering, I sat quietly while a range of conversation proceeded around me. It is one of those out-of-body moments where you feel like you’re in the situation, but it is as though you’re hovering above it all. I recognized the presence of the Spirit, and knew it was a moment of teaching for me, so I listened. This is what I heard,

Do you realize the amount of pure love being extended within this room? Can you feel it? Do you understand that not long ago, you were the subject, where upon much love, sacrifice, and prayer was being offered in your behalf? Do you realize, through your own personal experiences, the eternal powers that are pulled down to mortality due to the pure love of Christ being exercised through mortal hearts?

It took weeks of absorption for all that to sink in properly, and for some of it, I’m still working through. However, one thing that I have obtained from reflection is a heightened desire to express honest testimony of what I’m learning about my progression from careless abandonment to sincere discipleship. I find it essential to record what I learned then, to help me in my present perspective, for there was a time I promised myself that I would never forget what I fought through, that it may serve as a strength in bringing home those currently lost to the fold. I’m disheartened to recognize that I am failing to recall, through memory and by action, and I desire that through my expression of faith, that I can be restored to that which I know, so very well, to be true.    

So, through the eyes of a prodigal, how do we reach those who seem so far out of our grasp? We labor to remember the following five things:

1. We emulate the Lord’s protection and allowance of moral agency.

I have always carried a very strong testimony regarding moral agency. I strongly dislike being controlled, as I assume most do, and experience an immediate sensation of “flight” when I feel the claustrophobic hold of anything trying to restrain. This has been an aggressive battle for me throughout my life, and because I wasn’t taught, nor did I seek to learn, how to navigate it for good, it resulted in a lot of bad throughout my life. I’ve learned, and am learning, how to gear it towards my betterment.

One of my most cherished understandings about my Father and my Savior are that they fiercely protect agency. They want me to utilize a gift that was provided to allow me to fulfill the very measure of my creation, not of someone else’s. They want me to have likes, and dislikes. They want me to find my passions, interests, and joys and focus in on them. They, obviously, fervently desire that I use my endowment for good, because They want me back home again, however, in no way, will they force it. They want me to choose it for myself, not because They chose it for me. They desired for me to choose pre-mortally, want me to choose mortally, and yearn for me to experience an eternal fulfillment of that.

I’m so grateful for it.

Perhaps, at times, as we seek to assist the Shepherd in bringing back His lost sheep, we struggle emulating this same type of protection regarding agency. I dare to say, that this occurs more commonly because of the amount of sincere desire we have for those we are seeking after to feel the joy that the gospel brings, more than from a place of control. However, good intentions, no matter how sincere or pure we may believe them to be, will never be an acceptable motive to defile such a sacred, and celestial gift.

Throughout the past few years I am learning first hand how difficult it can be to watch another choose a pathway that leads them away from what we know brings everlasting joy, here and in the future. It can cause physical pain, which is interconnected with an afflicted heart. I try to utilize these experiences to increase my love for my Father, whose pain I cannot mentally, nor emotionally, understand, as He is required to watch His children leave the flock daily. And as I do this, I learn that love, pure love, will, at times, necessitates heartbreak.

However, from the eyes of a prodigal I have learned that there is strength that abides discipleship when it is chosen for ourselves. Forced discipleship is weak, is built upon a sandy foundation, and although may remain steady for a time, it will undoubtedly fall. Our responsibility is to not only allow, but protect, the moral agency of those that surround us, so that when they choose to turn to the Lord, it will be with a fullness of heart, and will have the ability to blossom into an everlasting devotion to Jesus Christ and His gospel.

2. Our love has no requirements.

One of the hardest things I dealt with when I was so very far off track was the knowledge that I was breaking my Grandmother’s heart. Now, I didn’t know this because she verbalized it, nor did she demonstrate it to me through action, but I knew it was a reality because she taught me the gospel from my youngest days, and I knew that my choices were not in line with what I was taught.

At first, it made my own heartbreak to realize I was causing pain to someone I loved. Gradually, through my continued sinful living, the pain dulled, but a day never ended where I didn’t realize that I wasn’t living up to what my Grandmother desired me to be. However, what astounded me throughout my experience is that Grandma’s love for me never changed. Not for a minute. It was the same. She called to check on me in the same similar manner and pattern. She expressed verbal, and nonverbal, communications of love. She tied herself to me, although I was drifting farther and farther away. Her ability in doing this, resulted in a triumph over Satan, who sought to make me believe that I was unworthy of love because of my sin, when I turned myself around and started back on the pathway home. Her continuous, and very obvious, devotion to me, enabled me to battle a force of evil that could have so easily deterred me at a very crucial moment of mortality.

Love is powerful. Pure love, without requirements, stipulations, and prerequisites, produces miracles.

We can only love people this way by getting to really know and understand them. When our first objective is to come to know them so that we can genuinely love them, we’re blessed. We may not necessarily get them to be reactivated, baptized, or to turn to repentance, but we have produced a friendship, filled up with love without requirements, which will not only bless their lives, but ours as well. Perhaps, we forget how often refinement comes, for ourselves, through ways we had not originally foreseen.

Matt and I had many individuals in our surrounding wards try to reactive us throughout our five inactive years of marriage. It never caused a stir in either of our hearts, until we met, someone who we now refer to as a mortal angel, Junior. Junior was the Elder’s Quorum President. I don’t even think he spoke about the Church during our first meeting with him. He was completely consumed with understanding who we were. He was genuine and sincere, sought to understand our day to day activities, our likes and dislikes, and we felt a true extension of friendship from him. This first meeting started the stirrings in our hearts.

Junior stayed consistent in his friendship. He was attentive, yet, not intrusive, and we quickly realized that his original visit hadn’t been based off “just getting the Stringham’s to Church”, we knew he absolutely cared about us. As this relationship extended, he scheduled additional visits, bringing along the Bishopric and Stake Presidency. His love had softened our hearts to the extent that we were ready to open our home, and ears, to discussions about reactivity in the Church.

Becoming reactivated was an enormous trial. Something that makes me shudder when I look back upon it, because I realize how intertwined Satan’s influence and power was in that experience, and it’s scary. However, throughout all the ups and the downs, through our successes and our fails, Junior remained. He was our friend, not only when we were going to Church, but also when we were not. He never met us with “Why haven’t I seen you guys at Church lately?”, but with a “I am so happy to be with you today!”. His consistency made every bit of the difference. I knew that I wasn’t a number on his activation report, but that I was a person, a real live child of God, that he wanted to share the joy of the gospel with, and because of this love without requirements, we became, through many tribulations, fully reactivated members of the Church. And once we were activated, his friendship didn’t fade. His pure love began and endured throughout the entirety of our relationship.

3. We realize that the Holy Ghost converts people to the gospel of Jesus Christ, not us. 

Sometimes, I falter and forget that no matter how hard I work, no matter how much effort I exert, if I am not completely aligned with the Holy Ghost, my exertions are poor, and sometimes, even valueless. I am a high achiever, a goal setter, and battle against a distorted actuality of perfection. I have had to be extremely careful as I am serving in my callings, and loving those I serve, that I realize that it will not be through my individual efforts that hearts will be changed and elevated, but that my objective will only occur through the power and actions of the Holy Ghost.

One of my most frequented mistakes occurs when I try to replace the Lord’s timetable with my own. When the fervency of my desire results in an immediate timeframe, I forget that the Lord’s timeframe might be very different. It may confuse us why the Lord wouldn’t push up His timeframe to match ours, because right now, sounds so much better than months, or even years, away. But He knows the right, and the most powerful, time for all things.

I truly believe, due to my own personal experiences, that some require heartbreak in order to extend devotion to the Lord. Some need to realize what it is like without the gospel, to understand the necessity of it here, and in the eternities. Some require humbling to reach their knees. It is such a difficult experience to withstand, and I wish that I wasn’t one that had to always learn through the rocky pathways, but I also realize how much I have gained from traveling on beaten paths. I needed to know how essential Jesus Christ is in my life. I learned it in a distressing manner, but it is also so deeply imbedded into my heart, that it is apart of who and what I am. There is no separating me from Him, because He is so much apart of my current makeup. My heart and my soul are being converted to Him.

The Holy Ghost converts people to the gospel, not mortal man. The Lord’s timetable is the perfect setting for the coming forth of that which is good, not mortal man’s. This does not mean that our efforts do not matter, for we act as the tangible hands of Christ when we are engaged in His work. But it does mean that in order to be truly successful in accomplishing what He asks, we must be connected with the Holy Ghost, be willing to accept the Lord’s timeline, and ungrudgingly submit, in humility, to all things.

4. Our example can speak louder than words.

Perhaps, we have all felt that if we aren’t saying anything, we aren’t doing anything. We are taught consistently to share our testimonies and to bear witness of what we know is true. In addition, the fire that burns within us provides a desire to speak and to share, it is a gift of the Spirit. However, words are not the only ways we bear witness, and at times, they might not even be the best method of expressing what we know to be true. There are moments where our quiet, consistent examples of righteousness and goodness make more of an impact than a perfectly eloquent testimonial speech could provide.

I remember going to a baby blessing after years of inactivity. As I sat through the sacrament meeting, a small family sat directly opposite me. I was positioned perfectly in a way that I could view them consistently without them seeing me as the strange women who sat staring head on. {The Lord’s in all the details.} This family did nothing particularly grand. In fact, they had two small children who were, at times, rowdy and perfectly-normally-busy. However, I witnessed in that hour, through an example of goodness, the happiness that seemed to emulate from that small family. I was touched by their joy in being at Church, for their current surroundings and circumstances did not seem easy, but I felt, and witnessed a pure happiness that I hadn’t realized in a very long time. I now understand that this was the brightness of the light of Christ shining through them. I could not explain it then, but I can I now, that the goodness that existed within them was radiating outwardly, and it created a desire in me to gain what they had.

In a world that can’t stop talking, there is power in a quiet, consistent example of goodness. The light of Jesus Christ is real, and as we gain His companionship and spirit in our lives, His light will shine through us, and others will be drawn to us in indescribable ways. We most definitely can make an impact without word.

5. We sustain an everlasting source of hope, faith, and trust.

Matt and I get asked frequently to share our reactivation experience. We are commonly approached by others who ask, “What made you come back?”. Most of the time, it becomes quickly apparent that their question is linked with a heavy heart, wounded from watching one they love wander from the fold of Christ. I can read the apprehension in their eyes as they fear their beloved may never return. I appreciate these experiences, and always feel humbled, to be able to exclaim that hope can never be lost because of the mighty power of the atonement of Jesus Christ, for if Matt and I could be carried from the rocky pathways which we tread, there is truly hope for all.

In my “early reactivation years” I engaged in these conversations with a bright, burning excitement to share my testimony of what I knew so intensely to be true. I wanted everyone to feel the overwhelming fire that was kindled, and growing, within my soul. It was good, and I still carry that flame, and it burns bright, but in reflection, I realize that I expressed hope without any real understanding of the emotional burdens others were carrying. After all, I had only been on the side of the lost, and had not yet felt the fragmenting suffering that accompanies those on other side, the ones whose chests are sore from carrying the weight of a burdened heart as they watch those they love drift farther away from where they desire them to be.

Throughout the past few years, I have been delivered the experience of watching many that I cherish distance themselves from the only source of truth and light that exists, not only in this mortal realm, but within the eternities. It has been a complicated situation for me, and I have been surprised, and many times ashamed, at how frequently I have felt my own faith faltering. How can I, who at one time could have been described as a lost cause, lose faith in another who is struggling? However, I find it to be an essential experience for me, one that allows my heart to read through the lines and more personally connect with the bitter pain that accompanies the question, “So, what did make you come back?”.

Being able to sustain hope, faith, and trust requires us to be at peace with the Lord’s plan. It necessitates that we are devoted to Him even if what is supplied and experienced is drastically different than what we desire it to be. It can be difficult to exercise patience, waiting for the arm of the Lord to be revealed, but as we do, we will find that we will be carried through difficulties that seem so heavy we fear they may punctured our centers. The ability to do this requires us to sustain our discipleship that we may not falter as well.  

We can never forget that we cannot stop believing in the potential for good in those who are lost. Do not stop seeing them as the child of God that they truly are. Even though their external habits, behaviors, and sometimes, even the external image of who they are alters, their soul and identity as a child of God cannot be robbed. Our mortal choices may change our destinies, but they will never redefine whence we came, and to whom we belong.

In addition to gaining a testimony of the power of Jesus Christ, come to a personal realization of the power of Satan. Realize that choices of reactivity may seem very simple to us, but may appear as mountains to those who are linked to a father of lies, who seeks to degrade, minimize, and destroy the soul of whom he has captured for so long. Satan is real. Reactivity is hard. Going to Church on Sundays, accepting a calling, attending social Church events, is difficult. Our sensitivity and understanding of this will enable us to be more patient, more accepting, and more loving to those who are trying to come back.

Above all, never misplace the truth that there is always hope where Jesus Christ is involved. There is no pathway too steep, too murky, nor too muddled that He cannot resolve and heal. He is a God of Miracles, and even things, events, or people that seem untouchable, can be redeemed because of His great power and atoning sacrifice. It is amazing and completely overwhelming to gain and sustain a personal testimony of this.

Do not lose hope. Do not lose faith. Do not lose trust. Your convictions are tied to the Savior and King of the World. He is the Shepherd who leaves the 99 and goes after the 1, and through the eyes and mouth of a prodigal, I can give my witness that there is no corner He does not turn, no mountain He will not climb, and no valley He will not descend to bring His lamb back home again.