His Hand is Still Stretched Out.

I can still remember the way that night felt. I recall vividly how cold, distraught, and exhausted I felt. In fact, I can remember everything about that experience almost as though it is presently happening. Strange how your heart can transmit things so perfectly.

Another middle of the night breakdown had helped me convince my husband to drive me around with no particular destination in mind. In hindsight I recognize that I was running away again. I was always running.

I remember talking continuously, not really to my husband, but just rattling on. My heart unbolted and everything had an immediate need to be ejected. I recall becoming more and more overcome with every word that left my lips.

I remember looking over at my husband and could read the look spread across his face: numb. He was numb. And not numb because he didn’t love me, but numb because he did love me. After all, he had been fighting this battle with me the past three years of our newlywed life. He needed to be numb in order to hold on.

Finally after an extended period of expelling everything that had found place in my heart, I said:

Why can’t I just be happy?

It was said with such exasperation and desperation, but this time it finally held some sincerity with it.

Then everything was just quiet. It stayed that way for awhile. Suddenly through the silence came something I hadn’t heard, nor felt, in such a long time. It was His voice and it spoke straight to my heart:

Because you don’t have me.

Almost instantaneously this whirlwind of clarity shot through me. In that moment I recognized that the reason I felt so fragmented, so defeated, so disturbed was because I craved and sought after everything but Him. An entire piece of who I was divinely created and destined to be, was lost. For the first time things were flawlessly clear.

I immediately turned to my husband and said, We need to go back to church. He was surprised, and expressed comparable feelings. That night we decided we would, and in my mind it would be a quick and easy alteration and addition to our lives. I was not prepared for the journey it would take me on.

I remember the way my legs shook as I sat down on the bench pew that following Sunday. I have absolutely no recollection of what was spoken of during that sacrament meeting, but I will forever remember the forcefulness of the inadequacies that raced through me during that hour segment of time.

You don’t belong here. You will never find a place to fit among these people. Do you even want to belong here?

It is false to think that Satan cannot exist within the walls of a church, for he accompanied me that day. Sat right at my side. His whispers of deficiency filled my ears, embedded my heart.

My journey to become an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was very extended, uneven, and laborious. But the experience taught and guided me in a very personal way, and was the means of helping me become truly converted to Jesus Christ and His gospel.

I wouldn’t change my story, even through all the heartbreak, because it has helped me to understand why I need Christ and what He adds to life. Life without Him cannot even touch what life is like with Him. The goodness and joy are simply far too great to even express in words.

I have had this tremendous desire to share my experience and the things I have learned, and am learning, for a long time now. But because of the personal and sensitive nature, it has taken me a great deal of time to reflect and recognize all parts of it. Although I know that this will be incomplete and that my learning and understanding are still in progress, my heart can no longer delay in sharing what I know to be true.

The best way to describe what I know is to utilize the same snares that Satan employed to try to pull me away.

Do You Even Want to Belong Here?

I have to start here because I truly think it is the most vital part of my whole experience, which is why it is highlighted above. As I reflected on everything I recognized this as the ultimate turning point in my experience. It was the place where my heart began turning to Him.

Before seeking to come back to church this specific time, my husband and I had sought to return many times prior. We started actively pursuing it right before we were married, and went to church sporadically throughout the next three years. But it never stuck. It never impacted me. I pretty much felt like I was just going through the motions, which was because I was.

What made this decision to come back different than all the other times I had tried before was that I could answer this question with a resounding YES.

Yes, I wanted to belong there. Yes, I wanted to come to church each week. Yes, I wanted to know my Savior. Yes, I wanted to change and alter my life to better be worthy of His presence.

Yes, I wanted to choose Him.

In honesty, every time prior, I would have had to answer this question with a no.

No, I didn’t want to give up my Sunday morning sleep-in to be to church by 9:00am. No, I didn’t want to give up an extra weekend day to do what I wanted to do. No, I didn’t want to pay my tithing because it took money away from what I wanted to spend it on. No, I didn’t want to give up habits that kept me from Him.  No, I didn’t want to refocus my life on Christ..

No, I didn’t really want to choose Him.

I believe we have to be ready to answer this question with a yes in order to have our hearts truly be turned. It has to be as such because He cannot enter our lives unless we open the door where He stands waiting. He will not force us to choose Him.

However, I think it is so important that we recognize and understand that even if we don’t choose Him, He will never leave. He doesn’t leave for even a moment of reprieve. He stays. He waits. He hopes we will open our lives and hearts to Him. But even if we don’t, He doesn’t depart. Abandonment is not apart of His character, which is a gift I cling to. He always stays.

I remember not really believing that He remains. I convinced myself that He shut Himself away from me. Prayers seemed to be unanswered. Confusion was thick. Overall, I just always felt alone. It took me time to understand the way He always stayed with me. Looking back on my life, the life I kept Him out of, I can see His hands. They were always there, even when I didn’t recognize them. They protected me, blessed me, and guided me. He was still with me even though I wasn’t with Him.

Answering yes might not come swiftly. It took me a really long time. We might not immediately know how to answer it. But it is important to recognize that it is the turning point. When we can say yes with a sincere heart, we find that that is where conversion is planted. That is where Satan’s grip is loosened because our own determination to re-grasp the iron rod overpowers his abilities to keep us away. That is where the door is opened and Christ is welcomed as an ever present part of our lives.

You Will Never Fit Among These People

Last summer my little family took a short vacation down to a small city in Utah called Vernal. After a few days of fun, we embarked homeward. As we were exiting the city, a message which appeared on the board of a small town church seized my attention. The bulletin read: Church isn’t a museum for the perfect, but a hospital for the broken.

That simplicity and truthfulness of that thought overwhelmed my heart and I still reflect on it a great deal.

I felt extremely uncomfortable when seeking to return to church because of the people that surrounded me. It wasn’t the people themselves that made me uneasy, it was the fact that I felt so unworthy of being there, and then being surrounded by so many that seemed so much “better” than I, I felt instantly defeated. I began to compare myself, and that is always a losing battle. One which is always led by Satan.

We don’t come to church because we are perfect, we come because we are imperfect. Within its walls we learn. We are taught of our Savior so that we can recognize how to become more like Him. We are guided to know how to adapt our lives that we better emulate what He would have us do. We recognize, most commonly through the teachings and chastenings of the Holy Ghost, where we personally need to evolve and develop.

Additionally, it is a place we come to be healed. We come to have our burdens tangibly lightened by the good ward members that surround us, who act as the Savior’s hands. We come to recognize that we are not alone in our trials and tribulations. We come to find ways to be the Savior’s hands by serving others around us. We come to find peace. We come to find happiness. We come to mended.

I know that in many instances people can be the reason why some leave the Church. Because we are imperfect, mistakes and offenses happen frequently. But if we remember and reflect on that statement that shone so brilliantly from that Church sign, we can recognize that the one who may have offended or hurt us is there for the exact same reason that we are: because they are broken. They are learning, too. They are being taught and guided, and they are imperfect, just like us. Perhaps, if we reflect on that more frequently we can more easily extend to them the same thing we want in return, acceptance and forgiveness for what makes us currently incomplete.

You Don’t Belong Here

I have this extreme need to belong. It was created from specific circumstances in my life that have forever left me feeling out of place. This need has driven me down unfortunate pathways in many seasons of my life. I just simply craved to be apart of something bigger so intensely I sacrificed a lot of virtue and righteousness in order obtain it.

When we have feelings of being out of place, or that we don’t belong, in relation to the gospel of Jesus Christ, we can immediately recognize them as the vicious deceptions of Satan. Our Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ only carry attributes of inclusiveness. Exclusion was born from Satan, and is bred from him as well.

We need never fear that we are out of place, for there is no place where we fit more perfectly. In fact, the Savior’s hands bear witness of our matchless connection with Him. The very marks of the nail that lay upon each of His hands hold an individualized piece for us. We are truly, and forevermore, graven upon the palms of His hands. We fit with Him. More than fit, we belong.

One of the greatest gifts of centering my life on Christ is that my need for belonging is satisfied. I am untroubled because I know who I am and I know who I belong to.

I know that I am a divinely made daughter of Heavenly Father. He knows my name, and more than my name, He knows everything about me. Indeed, He knows me better than I know myself. And, guess what, it only gets better! He not only knows me but He delights in me. I am a great source of joy to Him. Because I am His child. Because He is my Father.

He feels the same way about you. But this love is not collective, it’s individualized because each child holds an outstanding part of His heart. One that cannot be replaced by another.

I know that I have a Brother who I belong with. He loved me so intensely that He suffered tragic pain and torment so that I could come back home to be with Him. He didn’t want, nor did He want our Father, to live without me. So He suffered because He knew there would be absolutely no other way for me to come back home again. I was worth it to Him.

He feels the same way about you. His atoning sacrifice was done individually, not collectively. You are continually before Him on His engraved palms. You were on His mind on Calvary’s hill.

His Hand is Still Stretched Out

It’s easy to believe you cannot return because of sins or transgressions. It’s easy to believe Satan who whispers inadequacies in your ear and desperately tries to keep you from what he knows will be your greatest source of joy. But don’t let him win.

I remember speaking to someone who I love a few years back. With great sorrow in their eyes they declared:

But Brynn, I could never go back to Church! You don’t know the things I have done! They are bad. I am bad.

I just wanted to wrap my arms so tightly around them and sob right there and then, because I understood and so vividly remembered what it feels like to tread where they were. It is truly and utterly a heartbreaking place to be.

My plea to all who feel this way is to not listen to the master of lies. The one who lost all hope of redemption and hope, and now bitterly seeks to destroy and provide sorrow where happiness should be. There is hope. There is joy. And you are worthy of it.

The scriptures provide an everlasting truth for us to remember:

His Hand is Still Stretched Out.

This phrase is documented multiple times throughout the pages of the Bible and Book of Mormon. Isaiah and 2 Nephi, particularly, are filled with passages that declare this message. And the greatest part of their placement is that they appear in chapters that speak about sin and its consequences. The Lord wants us to remember that there is nothing He cannot heal, nothing He cannot conquer, nothing He cannot mend. He is waiting, ever waiting, for us to choose Him. He desires to pull us out of despair and to guide us on a pathway that leads back home, for that is the whole reason why He chose to suffer so greatly, so we could all be together again.

Reach out, grab His hand. I think you will be surprised how quickly you will find it. All you will have to do is reach up, and from there you will continually be pulled upward.

If you feel His hand has abandoned you, go back and ask yourself if His hand is really where you want to belong.  If you can’t answer yes to that question right now, work to be able to. You won’t have to labor alone, for He will be there through every step.

Don’t get discouraged if you are not perfect, if you make mistakes, if it takes time to plant your seed of conversion and faith. The Lord always speaks with mercy when regarding weakness. Our pathway to Him, even if it is prolonged and rugged, may be the very thing that secures us to His side. Continuously labor towards righteousness, and above all, trust in Him and in His plan for you.

For those who are suffering, or who are frustrated, or who are confused by someone in your lives who has chosen a path that has taken them away from the Lord, have heart. Hold onto hope. I know that people do change. Pray for them ever continuously, for I know, and still recognize and understand, that the fervent prayers of my beloved Grandmother brought, and continue to bring, mighty blessings and mercies into my life.

I know His hand is still stretched out, because once a broken and confused girl, who wondered why happiness evaded her, lifted up, reached out, and was saved.

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Look and Live.

While following Moses in the vast, and seemingly endless, wilderness the weary Israelites started to become frustrated. Worn down from the constant traveling and exhausted from the lack of water and food, their once hopeful hearts began clouding with doubt.

Thoughts began to form in their minds about the actuality of a God leading them to a promised land. The Lord’s promise which once filled them with great anticipation and joy seemed prolonged, and perhaps, became less desirous because what was required in order to obtain seemed much too great a price for a blessing which seemed so out of reach. 

The recollection of their bondage and horrific circumstances and experiences in Egypt became obscured so greatly that they began to wonder if leaving was even the right choice. Their minds drifted from the blessings which had been miraculously poured down from the heavens upon them. The water that emerged from solid rock, the manna which appeared daily to sustain and nourish them, the acknowledgement of these Divine deliverances were neglected.

Their hearts, their minds, and their words were filled with murmurings.  Their anger did not stop with the prophet of God which led them, but extended to God Himself. 

The murmurings produced consequences, which emerged in the form of fiery serpents.  These vicious snakes sorely afflicted the Israelites, and many were eliminated because of them.  The humbled Israelites immediately recognized the serpents for what they were, the Lord’s anger kindled against them. They plead with Moses to speak with the Lord to be saved.

Moses approached the merciful Lord. Like He always does, He provided a opportunity of escape. He instructed Moses to create a serpent out of brass and to raise it up. He directed that anyone who would look upon the serpent would be healed. Any and all who would look, would live. 

When you hear this story you marvel at the simplicity of the healing. Little was required of the Israelites to receive restoration. Yet, the most astonishing portion of this story is what comes next: many absolutely refused to look upon the curative symbol because of its simplicity.

Alma described this event as follows:

Behold… a type was raised up in the wilderness, that whosoever would look upon it might live.  And many did look and live. But few understood the meaning of those things, and this because of the hardness of their hearts. But there were many who were so hardened that they would not look, therefore they perished. Now the reason they would not look is because they did not believe it would heal them. Alma 33:19-20

People died because they could not accept that such a plain and simple act could heal their afflictions. People watched their spouses, their children, their friends suffer and fade away because they were determined that magnificent and extensive deliverance was needed.  The simplicity of the Lord confused and disheartened them. 

It seems so natural to read through this account and wonder why anyone would be so stubborn and fazed to refuse an immediate source of healing and restoration.

We’re quick to recognize the error, but are we as swift to identify the symbolism and to liken this scripture to our lives?

The afflictions we face today may not be in the form of lethal bites from a fiery serpent, but regardless of the circumstances, the intensity, or the depth, they can all be healed in the same simple manner, by casting our eyes to the Savior.

The brass serpent raised by the prophet Moses was a symbol of the Lord Jesus Christ, who would be raised upon a cross and crucified so that we would have a way to be healed. Looking to Him has the power to heal and restore us, just as the serpent did for the Israelites.

The Atonement Offers More Than Repentance

The past three years have been filled with opportunities for me to better recognize that the Atonement offers far more than repentance. The Atonement has an infinite, eternal, and everlasting power to restore.  One of its main purposes is to restore the sinner to a saint, but its strength and abilities reach even beyond that fantastic and glorious gift. 

The Atonement of Jesus Christ can restore hope to the hopeless, joy to the trodden down, peace to the fearful, and a beating rhythm to the heart which was once broken.  Its bounds are truly endless.  Its mercy is limitless.  Its capacity to remedy is inexhaustible. 

What I have recently become aware of is that realizing the power of the Atonement is one thing, but having the faith to act upon, and come to it, is another. Our ability to be healed is dependent on whether or not we will look. 

Will we look to the Savior, believe in His power and in His atoning sacrifice? Or will we choose to flounder, casting our eyes everywhere, and anywhere, looking horizontally for a redemptive means, when all that we truly need to be saved is being vertically delivered, and with outstretched arms.

As I have been pondering, and experiencing, the Atonement throughout the past few years, some profound thoughts and understandings have been made clear to me. The symbolism in these scriptures have enhanced my comprehensions a great deal. I desire to document them that I shall never forget what I know to be divinely provided.

Casting Our Eyes Horizontally

I don’t know why as mortals we seek after complexity, especially regarding spiritual things, but we do. Perhaps it is because celestial truths can seem complex when viewed through temporal eyes. But when we receive and experience a spiritual outpouring of knowledge and understanding, I think we are most commonly surprised at its simplicity. However, it’s glory and magnificence are not dimmed by its plainness, it is actually enhanced.

The Lord’s ways are simple. They are plain.

Now, the Atonement is intricate in its details. Trying to understand how the Savior could suffer for every pain, every illness, every sorrow, every sin, when He Himself was a sinless man, is beyond our mortal ability to comprehend.  I truly do not think that we could ever fully wrap our minds around the fullness of it while in this mortal sphere. Even the apostles and prophets of the Lord declare the outstanding weight of trying to understand the totality of it. However, with that being said, utilizing the Atonement is not complex, nor does it necessitate elaborately compounded requirements in order to receive its restorative power. Our Savior simply does not work that way, which is glorious in and of itself. 

Jesus Christ does not want us to ache, to be in distress, to be miserable. He suffered extensively that we may be able to escape from its clutches. Here is a Brother that so dearly loves you and I, that He willingly accepted pure agony and torment, that we could be released from its wretchedness. What wondrous love is this! 

He does not require us to suffer to a certain degree before He will step in, as some sort of payment for what He experienced on our behalf. No, He is never seeking compensation, but only asks that we come to Him.

When we arrive He promises He will not delay, but that He will hasten to us. There is truth to this promise. He does run. I know it is true because His love has met me in moments of deep darkness the very second my knees hit the ground. It reminds me that He has been there just waiting for me to come to Him.  

So, why do we wait? Why do we delay? Why do we cast our eyes anywhere, or everywhere, besides on Him? Perhaps, it is in the simplicity that makes our faith falter. Are we like the Israelites of old, that quickly dismissed the promise of restoration, and life, because it seemed to plain to heal such a great affliction?

We cannot look past Him. We simply cannot afford to. We must be careful to not cast our eyes horizontally, but to lift them vertically in order to find, and receive, the healing we ache for. 

There is nothing that the Lord’s Atonement cannot make right. There is not a burden that He cannot lighten. There is not a heart that He cannot mend. He is able to do this because He has an exact knowledge of the pain and affliction that we encounter. He is so perfect in understanding our agonies because He, personally, experienced them for us, so He can endure them with us.

Refusing to Let the Lord Take Our Burdens

This specific area is very sensitive to me. It has been the portion of this experience that has taken the longest to understand, and definitely the longest to apply. It is because some burdens are so deep, and so extensive, that they have been carved into our very being. They have become so much of who and what we are, it is difficult to recognize how to part from them.

I have been learning that the Lord cannot heal the heartache unless we provide Him with the heart. He cannot mend the brokenness unless we give Him what is broken. It is not that He is unable to mend, it is that He absolutely will not defile, nor intrude upon, our agency. Remember, He is our greatest protector of this divine endowment.

There is an affliction that has been at my side since the early moments of my life. I have carried it for almost my full 28 years. It is deep and cavernous. It is intertwined with so many memories and life experiences that it is has simply become a part of me. A dark and lonely part of me, one that I constantly have to fight from taking over the living portions of my heart.  The circumstances surrounding the past three years of my life are directly related to this affliction, and have been magnified because of recent events.

It has taken me all three years to finally recognize why a full healing has not coming to me.

I could not be healed because I was not ready to let go of the burden.

I was unwilling to allow my Savior to carry, and take, what was afflicting me.

I recognized this through the whispering and chastening of the Holy Ghost as I sat in Relief Society one Sunday morning. I know this communication wasn’t new, but it was the first time I had opened my ears, and heart, to accept it.

I immediately became defensive. How could I let go of something that had done such great damage to me? And in that moment I understood, I was clinging to this burden. I was utilizing it as a shield to protect a wounded heart. I was holding onto it to keep another in debt. To provide an explanation for events that made no logical sense. To justify my broken hope and damaged emotions. What I was really doing was withholding myself from the restorative power of the Atonement. 

I was choosing to suffer, and it hurt. 

I was humbled by this chastening. I started immediately to give up what I was grasping. It is an ongoing process. It has not been easy, and I doubt the rest of the experience will be. It have let this affliction become such a part of me that there are certain areas of life I have to redefine and reorganize without it there. It will take time to heal this wound, but with the Savior this hole in my heart will be repaired.

I know it.

I am extremely grateful for the patience of my Brother who has to wait on my imperfections. He never gives up on me. He doesn’t get frustrated, nor does He become disappointed. He stays with me through every step as I clumsily learn how to become more like Him.

I love Him.

Believe He Will Heal Us.

The one line that stands out most to me in the aforementioned scriptures discussed by Alma is:

Now the reason they would not look is because they did not believe it would heal them.

Isn’t that such a heartbreaking sentence?

I have been “ponderizing” (shout out from this past General Conference!) these scriptures the past few weeks and this sentence almost stops my heart when I think about it. 

There is a quote by Jeffrey R. Holland that states:

“I am convinced that none of us can appreciate how deeply it wounds the loving heart of the Savior of the world when he finds that his people do not feel confident in his care or secure in his hands.”

That quote pretty much makes me cry every time I read it.

We wound the Savior when we refuse to come to Him.

When we seek for other sources to remedy our pains, we wound Him.

When we lose faith in His ability to restore us, we wound Him.

I frequently think about how much agony He has already endured because of my sins and transgressions and shudder. To think that I would continue to break His heart because I cannot believe, nor have faith, in the simplicity of His healing, is traumatic. 

We must gain faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. We must trust that He came to earth, that He died for us, individually, and that He is ever present with us. We must believe that He can heal us as we utilize the Atonement that He suffered so tremendously in order to provide. 

One of the greatest ways to obtain this faith and ability to believe is to learn of Him. As we study the scriptures and gain a stronger knowledge and understanding of who our Savior is, we become closer to Him. 

Additionally, we must gain a testimony of the gospel. We must understand why we need the Savior in order to have a desire to come unto Him. We begin to understand the magnitude of our dependence upon Him as we pray, read the scriptures, and attend the temple. Bit by bit our enlightenment is increased and our faith and trust in the Savior is intensified.

And I believe the greatest way is to utilize the Atonement. Try what He has extended. Arrive worthy of the blessings of healing. Come with a humble and contrite heart. Speak to Him a though you were speaking to Him face to face. Listen to the Holy Ghost as He provides promptings to know where to repent and what steps to take in order to gain restoration.

Most importantly, just as I am trying so desperately to learn right now, we must allow Him access to our hearts, and willingly offer up our afflictions that He may carry them for us. 

I love my Savior. I know with all the fervency of my soul that He lives. I know that He seeks to heal, that He desires to save. I know the Atonement is real. That its bounds cover sins and transgressions, and continue onward to heal and restore. I know this because He has taken a shattered soul, torn down from sin and heartache, and has begun piecing me back together bit by bit. I am constantly showered in His everlasting and unending love. He is real. He heals. He restores. I know that everything He touches lives. We must cast our eyes on Him.

We must look and live.

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