After Much Tribulation.

Have you ever been faced with the question: If there really was a God, why would He allow such painful things to happen to His children?  I can perfectly recall the ache that seemed to trace itself around the lines of an individual’s face as they spoke these words to me.  I could immediately recognize that this was far less of a question, but more of the imploring from a wounded heart.  The moment held me captive, and I found myself catapulted back into an exact moment of life where my disabled heart lamented similarly.   My experience was contrastive in the fact that I had never doubted the existence of my Heavenly Father, but rather became convinced that because of the consistent presence of tribulation in my life, I was simply unloved by Him.  I supposed myself to be flawed and defective in such magnitude that I was unfit and undeserving of His affections.  My young, troubled mind could not comfortably decide upon another explanation, and I came to believe it as truth.  It is a bitter place to find one’s self, but I don’t think that it is an uncommon place to be found. 

We are consistently taught and encouraged through the scriptures of our Father’s love for us, His children.  We are reminded of the perfection of that love, and that it outweighs any facet that we can attain to or find within this earthly sphere.  Hearing of this love, but then experiencing the suffering and sorrows of life may lead us to believe that a discrepancy exists, for surely love does not permit pain.  It may even create a notion of the miscalculation of His tender affections.  We may come to find ourselves, like I discovered myself at one time, doubting in that love or in our worthiness of receiving it.  Perhaps our mistrust has deepened and intensified, and we lose our faith that there is even a God that exists at all.  As we extract ourselves from the companionship of the Spirit, the mutterings of Satan may seem like a place of similitude.  Our souls ache for compatibility and yearn to be in a place of belonging.  They seek to be connected to another, hence why we find that we are either bonded to the Lord, or linked with the father of all lies.  We are never without a master.  When we affix ourselves with Satan, he will amplify our uncertainties.  We will find worldly ideologies which exaggerate our personally identified evidences.  As this process heightens, our intrinsic testimonies which we gained in the premortal life recede, and we become convinced that if there truly was a God, one who loves us such as the scriptures describe, we would be freed from afflictions by His solicitous hand.

Although our minds, and the surrounding society, may tell us it is improbable, there is a way to find correspondence between Heavenly Father’s love and His delivered adversities.  It is an understanding that does take time and requires patience.  Faith in this area is ordinarily gained line upon line, in place of an expeditious revelation.  However, when our comprehension does become paralleled with that of our Father, and we have the ability to see our afflictions for what they truly are, we find that our love for Him surges, and our ability to endure increases.  We identify that our tribulations actually bear witness of His existence, not contrariwise.  Additionally we are reminded of one of the great truths of His love, that it is not conditioned or bestowed to a select few.  The Lord is no respecter of persons. He does not pick and choose where His love will be delivered, but gives to all of His children identically.  The idea that allowing hardships and pains to fall upon us as an indication of love may seem antithetical, but when we define the purpose of trials, the two begin to correlate. 

What conquered adversity can we not reflect upon without distinguishing the refinements that were delivered because of their existence in our lives?  As we contemplate, we may see strengths that blanketed weaknesses.  We find an increase of knowledge in areas that were once unfamiliar to us.  We recognize acquired abilities and perspectives that we were once unacquainted with.  Regardless of the type, our tribulations undoubtedly make us better.  The connection between afflictions and our Father’s love are explained within these realizations.  Our most beloved Heavenly Father allows trials to come upon us, that we may be projected towards perfection.  Yes, the Lord is omnipotent.  Yes, His hand has the ability to shield us from suffering.  Yes, He has the power to remove any discomforts that may advance towards us.  However, He will and does, permit trials and tragedies to befall us.  Why would He do this to us, His cherished children?  Does He do this because He is unable to stop them from occurring due to a limited faculty?  Does He allow this because His love falls short of rescue?  Absolutely not.  It is given because He does love us so completely, and He desires, with every inch of His heart, for us to become who we are destined to be.  We are His work, and we are His glory.  He has a firm knowledge that without tests and afflictions, progression would not occur.  This understanding should not be hard for us to relate to.  What kind of a mortal parent would prevent their child from developing through the stages of life and growth?  In a temporal viewpoint we can see what disadvantages would occur to someone who was never given the opportunity to advance.  As earthly parents we would never hinder our children, even if it meant that they may suffer sorrows throughout the course.  If we are imperfect and crave these things for our children, than how much more does our Father in Heaven, who stands perfectly, want them for us?  Tribulations are not indications of His lack of existence, nor absence of His love.  They are manifestations of His actuality and bear witness of His devotions. 

There are two types of trials that have been the most difficult for me to align this understanding with throughout my life.  The first is trials that are experienced during times of worthy, righteous living.  It may bewilder our hearts to receive such a test, when we believe only blessings should be presented due to our faithful behaviors.  During moments where we are devoting all we have to the Lord and His kingdom, actively following and abiding by the commandments in which He has outlined, the presence of these afflictions may initially perplex us, and doubts may begin to appear.  However, my experience with these types of tribulations has given me the belief that these difficult moments, which originally seem mistimed, are the Lord’s way of demonstrating His trust in our abilities, as well as designing a way for us to enhance.  Let me share a specific example from my own life regarding these types of circumstances.

My dear husband and I fell away from the Church, and were unfaithful to the Lord for many years.  Through a series of blessed events, and through the redeeming power of the Atonement and grace of our Savior Jesus Christ, we had the gift of reentering the Gospel.  We were steadfastly dedicated.  We had reorganized our life patterns, had made individualized commitments, and were striving to disconnect from worldly things.  Our focal point truly was upon the Lord.  As we continued forward, we labored to be sealed in the temple.  We ached to have the blessings of eternal marriage, so much so that it was all the seemed to consume our hearts.  During this time, we received miraculous news regarding a blessing we had been longing for.  We would be expecting our first child.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude, and seemed to be continually upon my knees, tearfully thanking the merciful Lord for the arrival of this most treasured blessing.  I remember the week we prepared to enter the temple.  Excitement pulsed through my veins as I realized that the opportunity of entering into an eternal covenant with my life love, and now with our first child which I carried inside, was just days away.  I was embarking towards my eternal family.  My burning heart held exultation within its walls which could never be described through mere words.  The following day, I unexpectedly lost our precious baby, and entered into a most trying time.  I was devastated.  A few days following, we were scheduled to meet with the Stake President for the final signing of our temple recommends.  I vividly recall entering the doorway of the church.  A plastered smile labored to conceal my brokenness.  As we approached the door of his office, he stated that he would meet with my husband first.  I literally felt my soul sigh relief at his request.  As the door was closed behind them, I sat alone in the dimly lit foyer, head down.  I remember being fearful of the loyalty of my eyes, and worried that if they met someone walking past, they may betray me and spill my repressed sorrow.  Each moment seemed to linger, and I remember thinking of how slowly the time seemed to pass.  Abruptly, despair overflowed my heart, and I found myself weeping.  I remember the moment vividly.  I had the strongest sense of urgency to look up.  I initially resisted but the feeling remained and carried with it tender encouragement.  As I lifted my head, my eyes were met with the face of my Savior.  His picture hung on the adjacent wall.  My mourning soul was wrapped in immediate warmth.  I felt Him palpably standing at my side.  I remember reiterating these words over and over to Him: Why Lord?  I am faithful.  Why now?  The experience that followed is sacred to my heart, but His words were never more clear:  It will strengthen you.  This was made to prepare you. 

Since this experience I have been given continuous opportunities for growth, many of which seem to be presented during moments of my strongest faithfulness.  I believe that this is no coincidence.  These are the moments where the Lord is stretching us.  Our acts of devotion to His commands and requests, have enabled Him to trust in us.  He places these trials in our paths as a gesture of His confidence in who we are, and where we are in our lives.  What greater act of love can be shown than placing faith in one’s abilities?  Trials will be given in response to our disobedience, but they will also be presented, and perhaps more frequently so, during times of obedience.  These are the tests, which if endured faithfully, will elevate us the greatest. 

The second type of trial has been taxing on my heart.  It is the type of affliction that produces a suffering in which there seems to be no final destination.  They are continuous miseries that cling to us throughout life, perhaps even worsening as time marches onward.  These trials may seem so wrong and so incredibly unjust that it is hard to wrap our minds around the meaning for them in our lives.  A majority of these tribulations come by way of another’s actions or lack thereof.  These are the types of hardships that play a significant role in our loss of faith in the love of our Father.  Because these burdens are hard to understand, temporally or spiritually, it can be difficult to explain why the Lord permits them in our lives.  However, may I offer two suggestions that have come to me by way of my experiences with these types of trials, which may offer a solution.

The first, the Lord will never take away free agency from one of His children.  Never.  He promised to allow each of us to make our own decisions, and that He would never force, nor interfere with the choices that we make here on earth.  This means that people will make choices that produce consequences that are severe.  They will be required to endure these repercussions, but we may also have a part in surviving them.  The part of coping with ramifications that have nothing to do with our own actions, can be the most difficult to manage.  However, the promise to remember during these times of misery, is that all things will be made up to us when we return home again.  Every single inequitable circumstance we suffer, will be rectified.  Our Savior will heal our overwhelmed hearts in such a way that the very memory of our sufferings will be dispelled from our minds.  Anything that was taken or not given, will be supplied.  Anything that has deformed us-whether it be physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual-will be mended.   At times in my life, having this assurance memorized has been the only thing that has kept me standing.

The second, and perhaps most significant opportunity we are given, through these burdens we gain the unique ability to empathize with another who is called to endure the same vexatious path we have once trodden.   Although this ability may seem initially insignificant, its impact is momentous, and its greatness should never be undermined.  The closer we come to mastering this attribute, the nearer we come to our Savior.  Reflect on the Garden of Gethsemane.  Why did the Savior choose to suffer every pain, grief, stress, or torment, that we may encounter in this life?  We know that He suffered that we may have repentance, but He underwent all the agony He did, so that He would have a perfect knowledge of our sufferings.  He yearned to carry us, no matter how extensive the depths of our despair would be.  He ached to be the one that would sustain us through the very darkest of nights.  He wanted to know exactly how to succor us, and not because someone had told Him how it felt, but because He, Himself, had survived it.  He loved us so much that He never wanted us to have to say, No one can understand what I am enduring.  Because of this intense desire, He permitted wretched misery to come upon Him, so great that it caused Him to bleed from every pore.  When we abide trials, no matter how unbalanced they may be, we are preparing ourselves to be an instrument in the Lord’s hands in comforting another.  Because we have experienced similarities regarding the torture they exist in, we can aid them unlike any other.  We can partner with our Savior in delivering tangible relief to their heartaches.  For those who are presented with harsh and unrelenting tribulations, this knowledge speaks volumes to the responsibility we have in ministering unto others.  Because we have been given much, even if what is being presented is a heart wrenching affliction in which to learn, we, too, must give.

There is one thing I am certain of, this mortal experience is not called a test for no reason.  Life is not easy, in fact, most times we will find that it is incredibly challenging.  Tribulations will be appointed unto us where the magnitude seems so great, the sufferings so severe, that we may cry out that we are unable to bear such a burden.  During these moments we may seek for a clarification as to why they are being appointed unto us.  We may feel forsaken by our Father in Heaven, feeling distanced from His love.  We may even become so discouraged, that we may find doubts conquering our faith in Him.  During these times we must remember that our eyes are only viewing the temporal, our hearts are only feeling the mundane.  These trials will work as a refining fire, discarding our deficiencies and revealing our divinity.  Our Heavenly Father is pouring love upon us, and as He is allowing us to become perfected, He is unveiling our pathway home to Him.  Although some of these moments of misery seem to have no conclusion, as we look back upon them from the eternities, they will become almost microscopic.  It can be hard to remember with mortality surrounding us, but we must persevere in faith and patience, for the blessings that follow our devoted endurance cannot be fathomed.  Our earthly perspectives, no matter how fantastic our imagination, could never conceive such glory.  It is not based upon a matter of hope, it is formed from the literal promises of the Lord, as committed in His words:

Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation. For after much tribulation come the blessings.  Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory. (D&C 58:3-4)

Keep your eyes fixed upon these blessings.  Allow trials to increase your faith, not diminish it.  And above all, race to the side of another whose burdens weaken their hearts, and confuse their souls.  Be the one to hold their hand as they enter the purifying fire which will encircle them.   Be the fortification that will provide them with courage to withstand its paralyzing blaze, that they may walk from it refined, closer than ever before in returning from whence they came.  Home.  He’s waiting.